How to stop using Divorce threats in Marriage.
Divorce is a ugly word.
Especially when you or your spouse is using it as a threat to your marriage.
When you have not experienced divorce first hand, it is hard to comprehend how gut wrenching it can be. Divorce brings in all sorts of emotions we would never want to experience and tears more hearts that we can count. This is why we should start now to not allow divorce threats in marriages.
You can read a little about the divorce I experienced in a previous marriage here.
Though Christian Marriages have a lower divorce rate than the generalized demographics of marriage, the rate has progressed over the years for church goers.
So, though we are Christians, who love God, and most likely married our spouse with confidence knowing that God gave us the person, it does NOT exempt us from divorce.
It is not because of God. God does not want divorce to happen to any marriage that was ordained by Him. He actually speaks very clearly and precisely on how He feels about divorce in scripture. That no man may separate what He created to be ONE.
Matthew 19:4-6
We as humans can provoke the act of divorce. Divorce threats to our spouses is definitely one way to do it.
Even if there is no adultery or abuse in the marriage which are liable reasons for divorce, constantly threatening to divorce your spouse could cause destruction.
It can lead to rejection, fears, insecurities, feelings of not being able to trust, and much more which sometimes can become impairable for a marriage.
Usually, when a divorce is granted and blessed due to abuse (physical, mental, emotional, infidelity) in the marriage, there is still nothing pretty about it. Even when the choice of divorce may be healthy for the spouses, it is not always what one imagined to one day experience and that alone brings a heartbreak and overflow of emotions.
Before I begin about how to stop using Divorce threats towards your spouse, first you must make the commitment for yourself to not say the word divorce.
Repeat after me:
“From this day forward, I commit to eliminating the word divorce as a threat from my vocabulary. My commitment includes me learning how to communicate with my spouse in a healthy and proactive manner.”
I am going to be completely honest here…
I experienced a time in my life, where I did not understand how people went through marriage without saying the word divorce at all.
It was narrow minded of me. I did not understand; “If everyone admits to marriage not being easy, and claims to struggle with it at one point or another, then how does the word divorce not ever slip out when you are arguing with your spouse?”
I honestly could not grasp the fact that some marriages could actually refrain themselves from using the word divorce.
(Side note: I never heard my parents speak the word divorce to each other. To this day, they have both said, they have never said the word. So that is not where my thought process of this came from.)
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No matter how we actually feel outside of tension,
When using the word Divorce in arguments you are threatening your marriage.
Truth is I never meant the threat…..
Well, at the moment, I am sure I did to a point, I did say it after all but deep down, once the wrath of the argument was done, I always walked away feeling convicted for saying the word divorce and I was always quite confident so did he. Our frustrations blew up and we allowed our emotions to overtake and accept that from each other.
The word Divorce suddenly become easy to say for a season in our marriage.
But was it?
No it was not. It was convicting and would sometimes rise up fear.
In the heat of the moment, it felt easy to say in hopes to hurt the other person before they can hurt us or continue to hurt us…
Can we be adults here and admit most of us have endured arguments where we felt like saying, “Yeah, he was acting like a jerk, and I wanted him to know it!”
I may not sound like the “Good Christian Wife” right now and possibly being a little too transparent here but I am not too fond of pretending I have not experienced marriage struggles. For so long, I had pretended of being a “good wife”, that I was literally becoming more and more entangled in my own faults. I felt like a failure. No longer am I doing that, so here you are going to get the real me.
I am the wife that does not know anything unless by experiencing it.
Sometimes it’s unfortunate to go through what I have but it’s also experiences I have learned to appreciate as growth. We can chose to take things as blessing or as something holding us back.
I have learned the hard way that using the word Divorce actually speaks life in this case; which will result in death to a marriage.
We must never say what we do not mean due to trying to defend ourselves in arguments or to get back at our spouse.
Here is how I stopped using Divorce threats.
- Repentance
- Commitment
- Saying NO to the tongue
- Praying daily for God to humble me as a wife.
Now, how to get your husband to stop using the Divorce word…
And how you should respond to Divorce threats when fighting…
First, I went to my husband and completely shared my heart with him about the conviction of using divorce as a threat. I told him about my commitment of never saying the word Divorce again and now was committing it to him.
Here comes the test…
Arguments will happen, your spouse may not have made the commitment to stop Divorce threats to you or themselves yet so most likely, out of old habits they may slip the word Divorce or use words such as, “Just leave if you do not….”, this is where you choose to keep your commitment.
No matter what, choose not to say the word. This is setting a example.
Be consistent.
Every time a divorce threat is used in an argument, wait for the argument to be resolved. If needed, wait a day or two. Once all is calm, go to your spouse humbly and speak to them that when the word was used, you were hurt by it and you hope for them to not use the word again.
Pray.
Pray the Lord takes the word out of the marriage’s vocabulary. That if either of you ever used the word again to purposefully harm one another that there would be conviction.
If you feel led to, Fast.
Here is a wonderful post about the basics of fasting from a blogging friend of mine.
What the Bible says about Fasting
Fasting and Prayer for Marriage
Anoint your bedroom.
Here is a top post about why anointing your home and spiritually cleansing it regularly is important.
Give more.
This may seem really hard to do when you feel like you are the one giving by controlling your tongue but love is unconditional, right?! So, that means to give for the betterment of the marriage, even when it is hard.
Did you know divorce threats usually comes as a defense mechanism to expecting rejection. In affect this will lead to direct rejection to the person that is recipient of it. When showing appreciation more in our marriage, we can help the healing process and build trust. Trust will begin to create confidence in our spouse when apologizing for using the word then will soon ravel to where we can trust they will no longer use the word.
Choose how to respond.
This is something you will learn by spending more time with God. Ask Him to enhance your gift of discernment. So you may learn when and how to respond to your spouse when in the middle of argument and divorce threats are being used. Through growth, I had learned to calmly say, “Babe, I know we are upset right now but I am choosing to not say anything that can hurt us later. I hope you feel the same way.” That took practice. It took practice because in the heat of the moment, answering calmly is not always easy but by committing to not using the D word and to committing to the holy spirit being your tongue when in trouble, it become important to me to find ways to not allow it in my marriage.
Journal
I prefer for you to have a marriage counselor to speak directly with because it will give you more relief during hard times of marriage. But journaling or having a friend that will listen and give encouragement is also a good choice. Journaling the emotions you feel when the word divorce is used helps release any hurts you may be bottling up. Holding feelings in can keep unforgiveness in your marriage and that is definitely not something any of us would want.
Rejoice in small changes.
Do not forget to count the small changes in arguments. Those are always things to rejoice in. It shows how much God is working it all out.
If you continue to stay discouraged, feel like you are not seeing change, or fearful of divorce, you should seek counseling from your local medical offices or church immediately.
Try not do any marriage troubles alone when you do not have to. We all have experienced hardships. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
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