How being a Single Mom made me a better Wife.

Have you ever met someone and just knew they get it? They get what you been through, they get how you felt, and they get who you become through it?

 

When I read Elizabeth’s words on The Joyful Mama about motherhood, marriage, struggle and reviving through and after divorce; I get that tingly feeling: “She gets it”. She gets the pain, the heartbreak, but most of all, she gets there is life after it all. That God is the restorer of our lives.

 

Through words that give life to discipling women to the cross, Elizabeth leads a community for women that has once been single or is single. Her mission is to make it known: You are not Alone.

 

May her written words brings a song to your soul and rest to your spirit.  

 

How Being a Single Mom Made Me a Better Wife.

 

When I began my journey as a single mom, I certainly didn’t know I was in “wife training.”  I was in survival mode- focusing on how to make life work in these new (and very deep) waters.

I was faced with some pretty big decisions – like,

“Where will we live?”

“What will I do to support us?” (I had been a stay-at-home mom.)

“Can I continue homeschooling?”

“Who will watch my daughters while I work?”

“Will my children be safe when they visit their dad?”

 

In some ways, I felt like I was finding myself and getting this amazing, fresh start because a very painful and dysfunctional chapter of my life was closing.  In other ways, I felt like I was burying the dream of a happily-ever-after, because divorce was never something I had imagined for my life.

 

Pursuing answers to these questions and being forced to stand on my own two feet undoubtedly helped me become a stronger and more independent woman almost overnight.  Although I had spent years believing I was “less than,” “not enough,” and “unworthy,” to lead or succeed… all of those lies (which were also excuses) bore little weight when I had two tiny people relying solely on me for answers.

 

I had to put on my big girl pants and create a life for them – for US – that I could be proud of.

Becoming confident in my ability to lead was one gift the Lord gave to me through single motherhood. - The Joyful Mama Share on X

Becoming confident in my ability to lead was one gift the Lord gave to me through single motherhood.  There were many, many more – including lessons like,

 

…how to shovel snow from a driveway in the middle of a blizzard when you have to be at work by 7am,

…how to mow a 3-acre lawn and not tip a mower when you’re doing the ditches,

…or how to defrost frozen pipes with a hair dryer,

…how to get a bird out of the house with a broom and a 5-gallon bucket,

 

The list could go on forever.  

 

But there are 3 main lessons that I learned as a single mom that make me a better wife today.

 

Yes, I am happily remarried and I can say with confidence that learning these lessons in my “wilderness” season positioned me to enter into the promised land of Christ-centered marriage!  No matter where you are on your journey as a wife (or a wife in waiting), these truths can help you, too.

 

1. You CAN overcome being overwhelmed.  

When I was a single mom, people told me all the time, “You’re doing too much!”  They saw me working two jobs, being a full-time college student, homeschooling my daughters, and running a ministry part-time.  Looking back, I don’t see how I was doing so much, either.  It’s proof that God gives us the grace we need to endure each season of life.

 

We become overwhelmed when we try to take on more than God intends us to manage, or when we are relying on our own strength to do what God wants to do through us.

I learned that when I was abiding in Him, and following His lead, His grace was sufficient to sustain me.  His peace guides us as we learn when to say “Yes” and when to say “Not now.”

 

“But when the truth-giving Spirit comes, he will unveil the reality of every truth within you.

He won’t speak his own message, but only what he hears from the Father,

and he will reveal prophetically to you what is to come,”

(John 16:13 TPT)

 

This is an incredible gift to bring into a marriage.  Instead of being spread too thin and trying to juggle a million things while being stressed out, we can choose to let God lead us as well as be our source in managing all of our roles.

Now that I am a wife again, and managing a home with 7 children, I know that if I hadn’t learned how to overcome being overwhelmed in my season of singleness, I would be in completely over my head now.  Instead, I know I can resist being overwhelmed by leaning into the Lord, taking direction from Him, and simply allowing myself to be a vessel through which He can flow.

 

2. Loneliness is a LIE you don’t have to believe.

One of the hardest things I dealt with as a single mom was the nights I was alone when my daughters were visiting their dad.  I dreaded those nights, and those weekends, because I hated feeling lonely.

 

I soon discovered that I was actually, at times, just as lonely when they were home.  This brought a revelation that loneliness doesn’t actually have to involve being alone- it has to do with feeling we are alone.  This can even happen in a church full of families, or a conference full of business associates, or even a house packed full with 7 children and a husband (I know this for a fact, now).

I learned as a single mom that I could fight loneliness by defeating the false belief that I was alone.

We are never alone, as daughters of God.  He is always with us.  When we feel lonely, it’s not that we need to be around people or need someone to affirm us and make us feel better, although that’s how it seems.  What we actually need is to connect with our Father in a way that transcends human connection.  Otherwise, we put unfair expectations on those around us to make us feel valuable, seen, and understood– when that all has to come from Him.

In my marriage, I’m sometimes tempted to put those emotional needs on my husband.  When I feel that he doesn’t understand me or empathize with my feelings, I can be tempted to let loneliness creep in.  I do my best to go right back to what God showed me in my single mom days… by running to Jesus as my Source.  I remember I’m never alone.  And I let Him fill me up and meet me in my moment of need.

 

But the Lord will be the Savior of all who love him.  

Even in their time of trouble God will live in them as strength.

Because of their faith in him, their daily portion will be a Father’s help and deliverance from evil.  

This is true for all who turn to hide themselves in him!

(Psalms 37:39-40 TPT)

 

 

3. God can multiply whatever you will give.  

If there’s anything a single mom is good at, it’s making do with what she has.  We learn to stretch everything- money, food, time, energy, sleep… we just “make it work.”  It actually can become difficult to not become too independent.  I realized one day that this was happening- I was going into autopilot mode of doing everything for myself and by myself, and of course this was leading to burn out.

 

God spoke to me.  “You don’t have to make everything work, Elizabeth.  That’s my job.  Just use what I’ve put in your hand, and I will multiply it.”  This wasn’t just a recipe to prevent burnout.  It was a lesson on stewardship.  In every season of life- all He asks is for us to use what He places in our hands.  He does the rest.

I have 5 minutes waiting in line at McDonald’s?  I’m gonna pray out loud for my family.  I have $10 to spare?  I’m going to give it to someone who needs it more than me.  I have 30 minutes before we have to be at dance class?  Let’s stop at the park.  I have time to make a to-do list? I can also write a quick love note to my husband.  Do I have time for a shower?  Well, I do have dry shampoo and deodorant, so…

As a wife, this mindset has been invaluable.  Instead of striving for perfection, I can simply sow the seeds He places in my  hand.  He waters,  and I watch the seed grow.

 

It can be really easy as wives to take for granted all the little blessings we’re given.  I would challenge you – the next time your husband annoys you by leaving his socks on the floor, or he neglects to help with the dishes, or forgets to call when he’s going to be late getting home – think about the single mamas.  The ones who so wish there was another set of grown-up socks to pick up or another big plate to wash.  The ones who long for the anticipation of someone walking in the door to hug them at the end of a hard day.  Be thankful for what you’ve been given, because what you have now is what someone else is praying for.  

Are you a single mama?  Maybe you’re still in the season of waiting and praying to become a wife, but it feels like a distant and unrealistic dream?  I’d love to invite you to our Single, Not Alone Facebook community – exclusively for single moms.  I can promise you a warm embrace from women who love the Lord and understand the struggles you face.  Inside the community, you will find daily encouragement, inspiration, & love – as well as information about our upcoming free course, September 30 – October 7!

 

Embrace the season you are in, my friends.  The Lord is faithful to meet you and guide you right where you are!

Elizabeth Oschwald helps moms connect their hearts to God, so that they can discover their destinies, live with purpose, and experience true joy.  She is a freelance writer, personal coach, and entrepreneur.  She lives in central Illinois in an ever-improving rustic farmhouse with her husband and seven children.  They are a blended family, which means the journey she pictured for her life and the one she’s found herself on are definitely different.  But it also means she knows firsthand how God takes broken things and makes them beautiful.  She loves to write transparently about their raw and real family life, her experiences in single motherhood, and how Jesus can add joy in every season.  She is featured regularly on A Wife Like Me, The Joyful Life Magazine, and her personal blog, The Joyful Mama.

SOCIAL MEDIA LINKS: Facebook,  Instagram,  The Joyful Mama Blog