How to embrace Holy Suffering in Marriage

 

Suffering in Marriage…

When I was in the beginning stages of separation many years, I had three other friends that was going through legal separation and proceeding with divorce at the same time as me. At the time I was slowly coming to the Lord, seeking for His leading of what to do with my marriage, knowing divorce was the last thing I wanted. 

 

I watched all three friends taking the wisdom of the world which was to move on quickly. One had moved on before her husband’s belongings had even left the home. Another moved in with a man one month after divorce was finalized along with two of her children. And the third, well…. sadly, she was seeking for mans’ attention every time we went out as friends. 

 

Because of my surrounding, I began to feel torn. Do I do as the world tells me; forget my husband and make myself feel better for the moment by having a man fulfill me for the night or do I continue to push forward for the greater calling?

Even though the greater calling felt like pain, grief, and absolutely despair at the time?

 

I was the only one out of four women that chose to say yes to Jesus and no to man. 

It was probably the hardest, selfless, life changing thing I ever did. It was my Holy Suffering. 

Through the reading of the word, I gained understanding it was my suffering for the present time and that it would Not compare to the glory that was soon to be revealed if I just stuck it out. (Romans 8:18) Thankfully, there was constantly something in the pit of my stomach that kept saying; “Still serve Him, Still trust God.”

 

Through the process of loosing my friends that was making worldly decisions through their pain of divorce, adultery, control, manipulation, my heart hurt for them. Within months each one of them was leading a self destructive life and their children was getting caught in it. As they had to begin another process of healing and take on more decisions of what to do next, I was learning that even though my pain was also not easy , it was at least coming with a purpose, a change of decisions led to understanding between me and my children, and to redemption that I never knew existed.

 

This is why I love this post from Tiffiney. Her experience as a wife knew her suffering was not suffering to destroy her and her marriage but it was a Holy Suffering to gain the glory for her marriage. 

 

We are given two choices. Black or White. Right or Wrong. Christ or World. There is a outcome to each and everyone of them. Which one will you chose for your marriage? 

After reading this post, I pray you gain a greater understanding of how suffering in marriage is actually a holy suffering for revealing the glory of God within you.

 

Holy Suffering in Marriage.

As women, we’re generally wild about romance. We’re hooked on happily ever after. We’re ecstatic about erotic love, and we’re over-the-top about creating our own personal Once-Upon-a-Time fairy tale marriage.

 

And while there’s nothing wrong with embracing and nurturing romance, that’s not all there is to marriage – romantic love and fairy tale endings.

 

A good number of us married gals quickly discover that the good comes with the bad; the “better” really does accompany the “worse.”

 

Yes, suffering has its place in marriage, too.

 

So, this post is not about how to make your marriage glorious; it’s about how to endure a bad one because they both have their place of importance in marriage.

 

The Dangers of Worldly Wisdom

If you’d rather have a root canal than talk about the prospect of not only having a bad marriage, but enduring one, I get you! This is like taking nasty medicine that doesn’t go down easily, but it’s medicine nonetheless.

 

It’s medicine because there are so many wives today who are walking away from their marriage and destroying their family – all because they are subscribing to worldly wisdom.

 

They tell themselves, “I can do bad all by myself.”

 

They prioritize their happiness over righteousness.

 

I’ve heard a woman say she divorced her husband because she was getting “smaller and smaller,” while he was becoming “bigger and bigger.”

 

Another mother of two told me she ended her marriage because she was “losing” herself in the process of being married to her husband.

 

If you examine the last two statements, you’ll notice these women are saying the same thing, and I can relate to them 100%.

 

They are referencing emotional smallness and a loss of personal self, in the absence of marital fulfillment.

 

How do I know this?

 

I know this because it takes one to know one. Because I’ve been where they were.

 

I know what it is to feel like I’m losing a part of myself to stay in my marriage.

 

I know what it feels like to think that some part of me must die, that I must sacrifice some essential part of myself (live with a perceived injustice) so that my marriage can survive.

 

This knowing is not necessarily because of anything that my husband has done, or has not done, and it’s not unique to my own marriage. It’s part of the ebb and flow of all relationships, but somehow, the intensity in marriage seems exponentially greater!

 

And let me tell you: loss, death, and injustice are emotions that can hijack our heart and crush our soul. The pain is palpable, and unfortunately, our natural instinct is to flee the source of the pain – our spouse.

 

Truthfully, most people will not endure this onslaught of pain – and I was no different . . . so I looked for a way of escape.

 

But thankfully, that’s where the road divides. 

 

I turned to God’s word, the Holy Bible, for direction, and the wisdom I found within its pages was radically different from the worldly wisdom espoused above.

 

Related Posts:

Seven things to do for saving your Marriage

When your marriage is under Spiritual Attack

Praying through Spiritual Warfare in your Marriage

Abigail – A Portrait of Holy Suffering

I turned to the the story of Abigail, as found in 1 Samuel 25.

Abigail was an intelligent and beautiful woman who was married to Nabal, a wealthy man, who was surly (bad-tempered and unfriendly) and mean in his dealings.

 

Anyone reading between the lines might surmise that Abigail and Nabal did not have a good marriage.

 

I infer that Nabal was a hard man to love, and I would not want to be married to a man who Scripture characterizes in such a demeaning way. Matter of fact, his name literally translates to “fool.”

 

But there is much we can learn from this colorful story; the takeaways I gleaned were powerful!

 

From Abigail’s story I learned that even if I am treated unfairly or harshly in marriage, I don’t have to seek a divorce. Instead, God’s word encourages me to endure being wrongfully treated, and assures me that I am blessed if I suffer for doing good.

 

This is the model Christ demonstrated for us, and this is commendable before God.

 

Note: My reference of “harsh” and “unfair” treatment in no way implies that a woman should endure physical abuse. If you are being physically abused, get help! Likewise, if you are experiencing emotional abuse (verbal aggression, intimidation, manipulation, and humiliation) seek biblical counsel.

1 Peter 2 is chock full of admonition on holy suffering.

 

In this text, Peter uses the example of slaves submitting to and respecting their masters for the purposes of illustrating the beauty of holy suffering . . .

 

Because of our love and fear of God, we submit to harsh treatment . . .

 

“Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters, not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. (v. 18)

 

Persevering under unjust pain is commendable . . .

 

For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God.” (v. 19)

 

God credits us for enduring wrong doing . . .

 

“But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.” (v. 20)

 

Christ is our example . . .

 

“To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.” (v. 20)

 

When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. (v.23)

 

Abigail was a portrait of a woman who trusted God. She didn’t take matters into her own hands by leaving Nabal. She trusted that God would judge justly, and when you read her story you’ll see just how God dealt with Nabal.

I know that I’ve attached a pretty serious word – suffering – to what some people might simply refer to as hurt emotions, but that is precisely my point.

 

This blog post is for the woman who is at her wits end emotionally; for the woman who feels crushed by the weight of her heart’s pain.

 

She’s had all she can take and she can’t take any more: no more fighting, no more striving, no more tears.

 

She’s simply at her breaking point and chooses to no longer forgive, no longer forget, and no longer love.

 

When we feel this way we certainly feel like we’re suffering, and it takes a toll on our mind, body and spirit.

 

But this is not the time for us to quit and throw in our marriage towel. It’s time for us to roll up our sleeves and do the hard work of persevering, forgiving, and loving our spouse sacrificially.

This blog post is for the woman who is at her wits end emotionally; for the woman who feels crushed by the weight of her heart's pain. She's had all she can take and she can't take any more: no more fighting...#Holysuffering Share on X

Equipped to Endure!

 

The good news is that God has uniquely equipped Christian women with the tools necessary to persevere in a bad marriage (and to make our marriage beautiful, but that’s another post!).

 

He has given us his Word to guide us, and his Holy Spirit to empower us. So, we don’t have to concede defeat and break our vows which we made before God and man.

 

God can equip us to change the way we respond to conflict. He can teach us how to process our pain through the prism of his Holy Word.

 

We don’t have to fall prey to worldly wisdom, which ravages marriages and destroys families because . . .

 

The woman whose mind is properly oriented by the Word of God can overcome intense emotional pain and depression, and continue to fight to make her marriage glorious.

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30 NIV

 

So, Will You?

 

Will you trust God? Will you surrender the offense and the pain to God? Are you willing to endure and leave the outcome to Him who judges justly? I can assure you that he writes the most beautiful stories.

 

We may not understand where our story is going, or why God has chosen to write it this way, but as a wise person once said: Trust him even when you can’t trace him.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

 

Tiffiney Holmes is a wife of 25 years and a mom of six, who lives every day in awe of the work that Jesus Christ has performed in her family’s life. Because of God’s grace, she has morphed from a self-proclaimed “family-life-flunky” into a woman who is “Celebrating Family Life” on her blog at Welcome Home Ministry. You can join in and follow her celebration on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and Twitter.

Additional Encouragement from Welcome Home Ministry:

When Unforgiveness Hijacks Your Heart and Holds it Hostage

4 Amazingly Effective Ways to Manage Pain in Marriage

Fighting for “Happily Ever After” in Your Marriage

Giving Your Husband Love He *Doesn’t* Deserve