How to survive your first Christmas as a Single Parent

How to survive Christmas as a Single Parent.

It had only been four months since my husband had left the home. Divorce was already in process which is something I didn’t even know about till I was served with papers to appear in court just twenty-one days later. That day in court just three weeks later turned out to be the day that my request to fight for our marriage was denied by my husband and by the judge.

 

It was now only four months into our separation and awaiting for the judge to send the finalized divorce papers when I was packing my children’s bag to leave for the weekend.

 

Within minutes my daughter and son was about to be picked up from their dad and his now live in girlfriend which of whom was also six months pregnant.

 

Oh’ the pain in my stomach! The knots made me want to throw up even though I was forcing smiles to the kids ensuring them they were going to have fun being with their grandparents for Thanksgiving weekend.

 

The dreaded sounded of the doorbell, rang.

 

My first thought was I can not answer the door, see the man that I am still officially married to at the doorstep with “her” sitting in the car. With “her” in the passenger seat rubbing her belly. With anger rising, I thought, if I see her come with him to pick up our kids one more time…I will flip out!

 

But once again, as I watched my children grab their bags to leave, their little, ‘I’m trying to smile for you mom’ type of smile just melted my heart. With all that I had been working towards of healing, I knew I had to be strong for them and show them I was ok. I took a deep breath and continued to smile with reassurance for them. They gave me a kiss, I waved goodbye as their dad loaded them into the car with “her” sitting in the front seat turning back welcoming the children into the car.

 

With a punch to the gut feeling, I closed the front door. I turned around and saw a empty house. Not a home…. How could it be a home with no family there on a holiday? The knots weighed me down so much that I fell to the tile entryway floor just right where I was.

I cried and cried. I cried till the sun went down and made my house dark. All I remember next was waking up several hours later from a text coming into my phone. No typed words, just a picture of the kids with their grandmother.

 

Oh’ the stabbing to my heart. The mother in law I loved and imagined that was going to be there always was now at a family dinner with my children but without me. They family that I grew to love, been challenged by, had disagreements with but also many victories and laughs with had to accept the new life just like I did. No matter how many times I received phone calls, “It was not what they wanted. They wish he didn’t do it.” No matter how many times they told me they loved me, the divorce was in process. The change was in transition. No matter the pain, it was happening.

All there was to do was to survive at this point.

 

Recently, I saw a social media discussion that grasped my attention. With using a social media platform a man continually asked for prayers for months. His greatest desire was innocent, faith filled, and quite understandable; he wanted his marriage to be restored. Through a six month course, he kept his followers up to date about his marriage, his hope, his trials of it all, and his small rejoices of it all.

 

Then the day came, where he simply tweeted (not exact words, just as I remember), “Court did not go as I had wanted. She stated to the judge she does not want to restore. Divorce is in process to be finalized.”

 

With that, about a hundred of comments were left to encourage the man. No response to any of the encouragement was given by the man…… till days later when a new tweet popped up from him. In a definite tone of pain, resentment, and even anger….. He tweeted:

 

“Let me be clear to everyone! I never committed adultery and there was no biblical reason for divorce. No more cliché messages or that God’s got this. I don’t care whose been divorced and how your life is right now. I can’t take it right now, it is too painful. You can unfollow me if you like.”

 

My heart broke when I read this. It broke because I remember that exact feeling. I remember feeling like no one in the world could even begin to understand what this felt like. No one could ever deserve a pain like this.

 

See divorce is not just a man and women leaving a home. It is separating families. Not one family but several families. It is breaking a bond God created for man and woman and for their children to witness.

 

Was the man’s’ tweet out of anger…. Most likely. Was it right…. Maybe not but could it be understood, yes! Most definitely yes, this man was and is mourning. He lost the kind of love that Christ died on the cross for us. His deepest desire was to give unconditional love to his spouse. He did not know why his wife wanted a divorce but he still wanted to love her through it.

 

The bible tells us, to love our wives as Christ loved the church.

For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her Ephesians 5:25 NLT

 

The wife that the word of God told him to be willing to die for, walked out of the home. I am not going to get into, whether someone deserves divorce of not or discuss how we actually do not know the whole story (which is true). This is not what this post is about. Plain and simple; divorce hurts for anyone that did not want it.

 

Divorce with children is not especially harder. I would never want to put that measure on anyone but it’s definitely not considered easier. It is not easy to watch your children leave to a family dinner, holiday event, birthday party, sporting function, school recitals, church services, or anything else for the matter without you or without their parent. It is a hard thing to explain it to our children when we don’t even grasps the entirety of why.

 

I am no expert on how to get through your first holiday without your spouse or as a single parent. Thank God, your first time will be your only time feeling that first time of being left alone but I do know what helped me the most during that first set of holidays.

 

First, work on forgiveness.

 

I know it is not easy and that it will not happen overnight. Trust me, I know that for a fact. But as you work on it, the process will begin to set you free in many more areas you were not even aware would help you grow as a new person. As I sought after God each day to have forgiveness in my heart, I was able to witness the anger slowly drift from me, the guilt begin to ease away, and the pain to not be so unbearable.

Working on forgiveness will have us work on yourself.

Forgiveness is important not just for your soul but also for your children’s. They look up to you. Just as that day, my children looking up to me with a shivering smile that clearly showed they did not want to leave me alone, our children will sense our peace and our forgiveness in our hearts. They will know when we are free and when it is ok for them to be free.

 

Secondly, know that it’s ok to cry.

 

Oh so many nights, I tried to not cry. I thought how much more should I cry before it just becomes pathetic so I got to a point where I forced myself not to cry. During a time of mourning for my broken family, this probably put more burden on me than before. Because at least when I had cried before I was crying to the Lord. But now, with forcing myself not to cry, I was trying to put it in my own hands to be strong. We as man or woman can not bear a pain this strong all by ourselves. We do ourselves more danger by not expressing our hurt and pain. Divorce can be traumatic and we can take ourselves to a place of trauma by trying to clean up our own wounds. When we all know, we are not the healer. Only God is.

 

Family.

 

I ran to my parents or siblings home anytime I was without the kids the first year of divorce. They were my support. They were also a place where I would gain godly wisdom, conversations, and friendship. Staying around others that will constantly talk negative about your ex is not good for you or your children. Some people may think that is supporting you or helping you but by no means it does not. Negativity will only bring negative feelings which will prolong freedom for you.

 

Create a war room.

 

Oh boy, the memories I have of my war room in the home that I had during the first year of divorce. That walk in closet was the best place in the home. It’s where I cried, screamed, threw fits, and had many pity parties. But it is also a place I found so much comfort from the Lord, so many times I felt Him lead me into many victories, and many times my attitude had switched after just minutes of being in that war room. It was a place of stability to me during the first year of being a single parent. Because no matter how many times I ran into it with fear, hopelessness, or despair, I knew I would come out feeling the complete opposite.

 

Find a mentor, counselor, godly friendship.

 

Having someone that you can count on to talk to, pray with, to gain godly wisdom from is a vital piece to healing. This person can be an accountability partner in your journey to healing in many ways. Their ear of listening gives you a chance to release feelings that may be burdening you. Their voice of guidance, counsel, and affirmation can be a great step to you gaining confidence. And their trust can be a step towards you learning how to trust again.

Just one piece of advice, make sure this person is of the same sex as you. You do not want to get entangled into any relationship with anyone that is of the opposite sex of you. It is a vulnerable time for you and friendships can become easily misinterpreted during a sensitive time.

 

Leave reminders to yourself about how strong you are.

 

I once heard a preacher speak about how he would tape 3×5 cards to different places in his home and carry them around in his pockets with him. He said after he lost his wife to cancer, keeping his mind on God’s word would sometimes become difficult. So he would write scriptures down and keep them with him at all times.

During the few months of my divorce I sometimes felt like I had very little strength to get up each day to pretend I was ok to my coworkers, friends, and kids. It would be hard put my mind on positive thoughts and to get through a day knowing I was not alone. To remind myself that I had God on my side and that my strength came from Him, I would leave scriptures taped around my home. It truly did remind me on so many occasions that the day was new, my strength is renewed, and so was my mind.

Other ways to remind yourself is wear jewelry that is engraved with words that will encourage you. This was one of my favorite ways.

 

If you are enduring through the season of divorce right now, please let me know how I can pray for you! I know how hard the Holiday season can make changes in our families even harder. Always remember the Lord if your fortress, your strength, and your redeemer through it all. He is faithful when nothing else seems to be and most importantly, He the light through all that seems to be and is dark!

Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”  Genesis 28:15 ESV