When the enemy keeps using your past divorce against you.

 

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“I don’t believe in divorce or adultery. It is part of the devil and should not have allowed it to happen in your marriage. You should not have remarried”

 

This comment was left on my website from a reader. Months later and it still comes unintentionally to mind. 

 

Every time I think of this comment I think of what I should have written back.

 

Here is what usually runs through my head when I imagine how I would’ve responded: 

“I also do not believe in divorce or adultery. You are right, those two things are part of the devil. Satan was after my marriage and no matter how much I begged my previous husband to save our marriage or to stop seeing the other woman, he continued on. I warred in prayer daily. I fasted weekly and sought God diligently to teach me how to forgive so the marriage could be restored. The work of Satan made me believe I was a failure at marriage and should never remarry again. But then I continued to read the bible from the law to what mercy and grace is and I learned about forgiveness, redemption, and Christ like love. I hope one day you get to experience that part of the bible.” 

 

But instead I deleted the comment from the reader. 

 

Me imagining over and over how my response should have been is not about the person who left the comment at all. 

It was about me battling against old thoughts that I used to be burdened with during my divorce. 

The comment tried to remind me of the old lies that I was made for failure. The lies from the comment wanted to creep in and grasp onto me. 

 

Unfortunately (and sadly), divorce and adultery comes from sin that had probably manifested from either one side or both sides. It is heartbreaking. It is devastating. Divorce makes you feel lonely and hopeless. The experience is literally gut wrenching to the pit of your stomach. 

 

I would never wish that feeling on anyone. 

 

Ten years later and I can still recognize the effects of divorce to an extent. Though I have personally recovered from the pain of divorce and grievance of a broken family, the enemy knows that I never wanted to feel as if I failed the marriage. 

So what does he do…. Well, he spontaneously uses people that do not even have a face to me (no face, because it was a comment online) to whisper the same words in my ear that was whispered by him over ten years ago.

 

So I remind myself:

I did not allow divorce to happen. 

I did not allow adultery to happen.

My heart fought hard for my marriage to be saved. 

I pleaded for restoration.

I remarried because God allowed me to remarry.

God gracefully showed me what redemption looked like and what mercy truly is.

 

Remarrying is not for the satisfaction of me “having a man” or to not be lonely.

It was an act of love from God for me. I was sure I was not worthy to marry again. I was destined to be a mom that focused on my children that experienced heartbreak and made them succeed in life. 

And you know what, I eventually become ok with that.

 

After my divorce was finalized, I would say there were two significant conversations that took place for me. 

 

The day I received the final divorce decree, I called a good friend of mine. This person never spoke about my marriage or feelings unless I did so to me it was the easiest call to make to not feel lonely at that moment. 

 

I called and asked what they were going to do that day. Immediately, that person knew something was wrong. 

 

M: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “I got the papers. (sigh) It’s done”.

Silence. 

Me: “I know you secretly wanted this to happen but I never wanted a divorce. I never wanted this for my children.”

M: Deep sigh….. “You’re right, after everything he did to you, I did not want it to work because I did not want you to hurt but I am sorry. I never wanted you to hurt like this.”

 

That right there was huge for me because with all the sincerity that was spoken, I knew that person felt my heart of never wanting to end the marriage. That was huge for me!

 

I felt like most just assumed divorcees go with the flow of the rapid rivers. As if in life we choose to get onto the raft and knowingly go through the rushing waters of uncertainty and fear of losing against the unseen boulders with ease. 

Related Posts: 

Overcoming the worst as a Divorced Christian Woman 

What to speak against the devil when in Spiritual Warfare

Scriptures to read when facing Spiritual Warfare

The second significant conversation was with my brother. Well not so much of a conversation as much as him following me out of a family gathering because I felt lost with everyone else having their spouse but not me.

 

He found me  sitting on the curb in the dark as everyone was inside having dinner at the family table. It was the first time in seven years, his chair was not next to mine in my mother’s home for Sunday dinner.

 

My brother sat next to me, put his arm around me as I unleashed tears. 

 

All he said was, “I do not know how you feel but I do know it must hurt pretty badly if the bible mentions that adultery is a cause for divorce. That is some pretty serious stuff to read.”

 

I know my brother was not sure what to say, he was just trying his best to say anything but it did leave a huge imprint on me. 

 

He was right, God knew how devastating adultery was that He gave permission for divorce. He even put in the commandments to not cheat on your spouse! 

 

But I also knew that redemption and grace can save a marriage, even through adultery. 

Trying to grasp the two views was torturing my mind so from that day forward I had to stand up and make a firm decision to just trust God.

So I said a prayer:

“Lord, I surrender. I do not know the will of my divorce, why it was allowed, or anything else but I do know there is Your will and Your will is the perfect will for my life. So Lord, I will not try to figure the whys anymore. I will no longer allow Your Word to become confusing to me. For now on I choose to wake up each day to just seek You. I will not wonder about the what if’s of the past but only focus on what You want from me day by day. I am Yours Lord.” 

 

That prayer brushed the enemy off of me as the wind blew by. 

I wholeheartedly believed in that prayer that day and I still do. I know that it began the mighty work of healing in me. 

 

But no matter how much you believe, the enemy will continue to try to use past hurts that you once dwelt with for so long, because it brings back the feeling of familiarity. Though it was a time of pain and grievance, it was also something you woke up with and fell asleep daily to for months or maybe even years. 

(I once read a quote from a divorce/family psychiatrist when I was searching how long my pain would last and it said on average for every year you were married it would take about 6 months of recovery.  Ouch…. At that moment a few years was unbearable to comprehend. I quickly developed a compassion for couples that had been married for decades. I just can not imagine. =(  I prayed against average! )

 

The devil is sneaky at using what we are used to. 

 

With the enemy’s help, familiarity of lies will make an effort to deceive us and make us believe it is who we are. That is why the past is one of the hardest things to surpass sometimes. Habits kicks in and tells us it’s just easier to stay in the rushing waters. 

 

But the good news is, when we are solid in Christ and new trickery tries to creep in, we are usually quick at catching those things. Discernment rises up in us and we know that unfamiliar feelings do not belong so we learn to fight it off.

 

That is why it is so important to stay connected with God and make a firm decision to heal. 

I know it doesn’t seem feasible when we are hurting but we can choose to take the steps to heal. Make a proclamation this day that you will heal!

 

Tips to help the healing of divorce:

 

• Do not be ashamed to seek counseling. From your local church or a recommended Christian counselor. I also highly recommend seeing your family doctor every few months if you are experiencing depression or anxiety. 
• Stay intimate with God by reading your bible daily. 
• Praise the Lord. Even when it’s hard just praise Him!
• Find books that will teach you about spiritual warfare and the intimacy of fasting and prayer. It will heighten your discernment for when the enemy tries to fill your thoughts with the past.

                                                       

 

• Try to remember the feeling of divorce is not forever. You will get through this 
• Lastly, stay connected with your loved ones. Even if you feel like they do not understand they most likely do to the extent of what they can relate to and understand. Divorce is not something to relate to easily. 

 

Dear Lord,

Thank you for Your healing power. We praise You in advance for the healing of many women today that is bearing through the pain of divorce. May you comfort them through grieving a marriage and bring them to a place of complete revival in their mind and spirit. Give hope to the hopeless and joy to the sorrowful. Lord, remind them You are the ministry of reconciliation (2nd Corinthians 5:18) and for all those who love You, all things work for the good.

We praise You for the Word of God that brings insight, knowledge, and wisdom to all things. May we learn how to stand against the devil with the authority you have placed within us. Teach us how to war and to bring victory to our minds. Do not allow lies to manifest in us. Protect us Lord from the schemes of the devil. May we choose daily to keep our hearts encouraged.  And may every woman that reads this prayer be encouraged this day forward to be strong and courageous.

In Jesus name, Amen!